Today is the day millions of Americans have been waiting for with deep longing and great expectation. It's time for the great annual festival in honor of one of the most intensely worshiped gods in the American Pantheon. It's a very ancient religion, practiced by the neighbors of Israel thousands of years ago. Although at that time the name of this god was pronounced "Baal", through the centuries it has slowly changed so that today this god is called "Bowl".

During the course of the year leading up to this day the worship of this god is conducted in cities and towns throughout the nation, and is especially associated with sites dedicated to pantheism, places called "Universities". By means of an elaborate selection process which takes place over the course of many years, human sacrifices are singled out to be offered on the altar of the grid-iron - few religious rituals anywhere can match the marvelous splendor, gaiety and self sacrifice of this great ceremony.

All over the country colorful, glowing images in honor to this god will be raised - electronic shrines alluringly illuminated as groups large and small gather to participate in this stately sacred rite. As with most religious celebrations, food and drink will be in abundance, and like good pagans of old, many will be assisted in their worship by the intoxication which flows from small replicas of their "bowl" god. It will be a day marked by both weeping and rejoicing.

There will be heard throughout the land great sounds rising up from the assemblies of worshippers; some will be loud, boisterous shouts of exultation, but they will be mingled with intermittent deep groans of anxiety and distress. While some worshippers will experience the blessing of their god and will feel successive waves of ecstatic joy and victory, others will be brought down to the pits of despair and mournful contrition - their suffering at the hand of their god will be unmitigated for many months to come. And some, having made great financial sacrifices in order to demonstrate their faithful devotion to the Bowl god, will end this day with a terrible sense of loss as they realize that their god has not rewarded them for the sacrifices they so sincerely made. Even so, it is unlikely that even one will forsake Bowl, but rather will renew a vow of allegiance and hope that by the time another annual festival rolls around, they will have pleased him sufficiently so as to be able to enter into the joy of their salivation.

Don't get me wrong, today is not the only day we Americans worship Bowl, it's just that today we move up one notch in our worship of Bowl; today we worship Super Bowl.

There's lightening rod excitement in the air. Representatives from the four corners of the nation have already gathered and will present their credentials at the gate of the large temple of the south. Of course the southern temples are almost always chosen for this ceremony due to the connection between the Sun god "Re" - (pronounced "Ray") and the god Bowl.

As the delegates arrive, and during specially planned intervals during the ceremony, they will be greeted and encouraged in their worship by temple virgins who, by means of erotic dance movements and hand gestures, will call the crowd to raise their voices in praise. And the faithful will respond, standing to their feet, raising their hands to heaven and singing the praises of Bowl. The collective praise at times will be deafening, and by the close of the service many will smilingly exhibit their raspy voices now reduced to a hoarse whisper, proudly pleased that they could make such a sacrifice for their god.

To complete the picture of sincere worship, there will also be music. Great music played on hundreds of instruments by the devout who have gladly endured long days and nights of tortuous drills, and days of travel in crude yellow temple wagons, but these who have so dedicated their talent will count it all joy that they have been chosen for this great celebration in honor to their god. They will proudly tell future generations that they were among the chosen few who were so blessed.

By mid day the anticipation will be at a feverish pitch when 100 priests and dozens of Levites enter the temple. Actually, only 22 priests serve at a time, but in order to give many more the honor, a system of rotation has been devised. And at times, when Bowl is pleased to receive the human sacrifice that is offered, there is a replacement ready to quickly take his place of honor. Whenever this happens, an especially loud roar of praise is lifted up to Bowl as this priest hero is ceremoniously removed from the sanctuary, being carried away by one of the specially designed temple chariots reserved for this purpose.

The religious ceremony proceeds according to an elaborate set of regulations which have been passed down through many generations of Bowl Rabbis. The cosmic conflict of the ages is reenacted, good and evil struggling for dominance. As with many such ancient religions, the outcome is not quite certain, although there are many associated with this religion who claim revelations which qualify them to make prophetic utterances. Actually, both groups of priests, each robed in colorful but distinguishing sacred garments, and with heads covered to disguise their personal identity and facial features, are convinced that they represent the good, and the opposing group represent the evil. Prior to each suspense filled act in this play, the priests bow in a prayer circle, seeking guidance and strength so that Bowl will give them the ability to overcome the enemy. And when their prayer is answered, they raise their hands in praise, sometimes dropping to their knees, or expressing their worship in a dance. At times they even throw their bodies into a large human heap in a desperate attempt at demonstrating just how grateful they are for the god's favor.

During these proceedings, careful records are kept so that future generations will never be allowed to forget the agonizing but amazing accomplishments of the priests who heroically act out this passion play. Every possible step is taken to ensure it's memory, millions of objects emblazoned with the symbols of the Bowl god are peddled throughout the land. It is almost as sure as death and taxes that the great religion in honor of Bowl will never wane, but rather, it will progressively become the religion not only of our country, but of the world. All of the advanced technologies of our super race will be dedicated to the spread of Super Bowl, and wealthy businessmen will continue to generously endow this religion with adequate funds so as to ensure the dawn of a wonderful new age when throughout the entire world Bowl will be hailed as the god of all. Of course, this evangelization has been going on now for 29 years, and it is known that the participation in this year's service of worship to Super Bowl will include the devout in 174 countries - today 750 million worshippers will exclaim, "HALLE - BOWL -LUIAH"!    

"CHECK LIST FOR THE WORSHIP OF THE SPORTS god"